TESTING FOR TALENT IS LIKE TESTING FOR DRUGS

Talent

Talent

Talent

Before you go off and say someone is talentless, I'd like you to remember something:

Testing for talent is like testing for drugs.

Now what do I mean by that?  

Let's say a couple of 16 year olds go to a party.   At this party they do a lot of things.  They dance with a couple of girls, sing some Black Eyed Peas songs and drink a lot of really bad—but really cheap—beer.  As the hours pass, people start to leave until there's only five kids left.  One of those kids breaks out some pot.  The two 16 year olds take a hit or two and then they. chill. out.  They spend the next few hours playing Super Smash Brothers and listening to Pink Floyd.  Inspired by the band Sublime, two of the other kids smoke two joints each.  Then there's a kid named Ian, but he goes by "Rainbow Sprinkles."  Rainbow Sprinkles takes out an eight foot bong and he just annihilates himself on a mixture of two types of weed called Rosacea and Lee Sklar's Beard.  It's ridiculous how stoned Rainbow Sprinkles gets.  

Suddenly, something hits each of these kids simultaneously.  They're hungry—really fucking hungry.  So Rainbow Sprinkles decides they should all drive to Carl's Jr.  Together all five of them drive in a VW Bus to get some burgers.

They don't get too far, however.  Rainbow Sprinkles drives the VW Bus into five different mailboxes.  All the lights turn on in the neighborhood and the cops arrive.  Each of the boys gets taken into the station for a drug test.

Now let's reexamine how stoned each of these kids are.  Our original heros—the two 16 year olds—only took a couple of hits.  The Sublime idolizers smoked two joints.  Rainbow Sprinkles? Nobody knows how much he smoked—but, boy, was it a lot!

All of them receive the same grade on their drug tests: POSITIVE.  

Testing for talent is like testing for drugs.

I suppose people can be one of three things in life: a minor talent, a major talent or not a talent at all.  Only one of them will fail the talent drug test and that is the one who has no talent at all.  Everyone else passes—even if their talent is as small as Tinkerbell.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone incorrectly refers to a musician as talentless.  Chances are if you've heard of the artist, they're more than likely talented.  It doesn't mean they're as talented as Bob Dylan or Paul Simon.  It just means they passed the test.  

Most people do not pass the talent drug test.  How do you know for sure when someone does? You're going to hate this answer.  You know someone is talented when everybody is listening to and watching them.  People do not engage with an artist that lacks any talent.  

Now this has nothing to do with how good someone is.  We all have a different test for that. 

SONGS ABOUT A GUY NAMED JOHNNY: A BASIC JOHNNY PLAYLIST

When's the last time you met a "Johnny?"  Though it's possibly the most common character name in any song, I can't recall ever meeting a Johnny in real life.  I know some Johns and some Jacks, too.  No Johnny's though.  You probably meet at least 10 Brians per year.  But can you name any Brian Songs—besides the tear-jerker James Caan movie? I had three roommates named Collin when I was in college.  Hell, I would bet there's probably eight to 10 Collins in every dormitory across the country. No songs immortalize the name Collin, however.  

When I really focus and think about it,  the only Johnny's I even know of are musicians themselves.  There's Johnny Cash, Johnny Mathis,  Johnny Depp—he plays guitar in case you didn't know.  Where were we? Johnny "Guitar" Watson, Jonny Greenwood, Johnny Rotten Johnny Winters...

What about the non-musicians? Johnny Damon, Johnny Carson, Johnny Knoxville...

Johnny Knoxville...

Johnny Knoxville...

I wish I could find out the answer to why there are so many Johnny songs.  I don't think I have the means to accomplish this.  Maybe I'll tweet Barbara Walters or Scott Pelley and they can do some research.  I'm sure respectable newspeople like them would find this to be very compelling stuff that the public needs to know about.  

I don't want you to feel like I wasted your time with this post.  So let's listen to some of the best "Johnny songs."  if you're into contributing, feel free to comment with some others.  It'd be kind of cool if we could catalogue all the Johnny songs.  It would serve no one and there wouldn't be any tangible reward, but it's a project.  And maybe we could make The Times Picayune or something.  I'm pretty sure they're no longer a daily newspaper, so maybe they could use some content.  I make no promises. 

I swear, I thought I had a point when I started writing this. I swear!

Songs About A Guy Named Johnny: A Basic Johnny Playlist

SINGLES GOING STEADY: "HEY SCHOOLGIRL" BY TOM AND JERRY

The year was 1957.  A young Neil Sedaka was striking out on his own after having regional success with his band The Tokens.  Bill Haley was reminding us that there is no 13 o'clock after 12 o'clock with his band The Comets.  Buddy Holly was touring with a singing duo named The Everly Brothers and those Everly Brothers were inspiring two singing teenagers from New York City with their terrific harmonies.  One of those teens had an angelic voice.  The other could sing, too, but his real talent was in songwriting.

They were only 15, but their songs were becoming very popular among their classmates at Forest Hills High School in Queens.  One song in particular was all the buzz.  It was called "Hey Schoolgirl".  For  $25, the teens recorded a demo of "Hey Schoolgirl," hoping to impress the music men making hits at the nearby Brill Building.  In the next room was a producer named Sid Prosen who worked for a newish record label called Big Records.  He cut the record, gave them some clean-cut clothes to match the innocence of their age and gave them stage names, too.  The songwriter and guitarist would be called Jerry Landis and the angelic tenor would be called Tom Graph.  Together, they would be known as Tom and Jerry.

(L-R: Jerry Landis and Tom Graph)

Tom and Jerry managed to appear after Jerry Lee Lewis on Dick Clark's American Bandstand, where they premiered their single. The performance made "Hey Schoolgirl" somewhat of a hit song.  It reached Number 49 on the charts and eventually sold 100,000 copies.  They recorded some more songs, none of which did a damn thing—that probably broke their little hearts.  In 1959, Tom and Jerry turned 18 and they went off to college.  Their career was over.  

Or was it?

Subsequent bullshit happened for a few years and then Tom and Jerry decided to reunite.  This time they used their real names, which were Arthur and Paul, respectively.  The success Arthur and Paul had—and have continued to have— was enormous.  Together they became one of the biggest acts of the 60s, racking up hit songs, Grammys and critical acclaim along the way.  Of course, we know Arthur and Paul better as Art and Paul.  Perhaps their names are more familiar with when they are reversed as Paul and Art.  If you haven't figured it out by now, they are Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.  

Here's one of their songs called "The Only Living Boy In New York."  It should now surprise no one that the song's first line "Tom get your plane right on time" refers to Tom Graph aka Art Garfunkel.  Wild.  

"Hey Schoolgirl" by Tom and Jerry and "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon & Garfunkel

I wonder if there were any Tom and Jerry fans who are completely unaware that the singing duo later became Simon & Garfunkel.  Probably not.